Yesterday I Cried

I took a trip to Salisbury to see my boyfriend and I was quite excited to see him because our last visit was 2 weeks prior, but I was also a little apprehensive. He'd been in a weird kind of mood all week and shared with me that he was feeling a bit depressed and he'd talk to me about it when I got there rather than over the phone. So, needless to say, I was wondering what was up. Was he stressed over his job? Was his family getting to him? Was he nervous about moving out and going to grad school? What?

Nothing could prepare me for what he told me.

"Jasmine, I really don't want kids." As the phrase exited his mouth I knew that my face immediately wrinkled up as I asked him several times to "stop playing" and "Are you serious?". And when he assured me of his seriousness, I assured him of mine. Having children -- that's a deal breaker. He explained that he'd been depressed for about a week, even to the point of tears, because he didn't know how he was going to tell me. He didn't know if it was just being a young adult and having that selfishness mentality of not wanting to take care of someone besides yourself, but in all honesty, he couldn't see himself having children, even when he was 35. Which means we'd be together, I'd be 33 and childless. Deal breaker. I couldn't bring myself to speak, and when his statement sunk in I found myself trying to hold back tears. How could the man I love and have the vision of building a perfect life and family with not want those same things? But what was more profound than his revelation of not wanting to procreate was the fact that what scared him the most was that he knows that if he doesn't change his mind and get hip to the idea of being a daddy in the next couple of years, I will leave him, and he doesn't want that to happen. And you know what my response was to that, "You're exactly right. I will leave you. I don't want to, but I will."

So here were sat at a standstill. Me crying, and him holding my hand wondering what's going on inside my head and me weighing the pros and cons of continuing our relationship. Because I don't want to be with him for 6 more years and his mind still hasn't changed. In six years I want to have my first child in this world. I'd be great if I was in the works of trying to get pregnant with child 2. But at the same time, I don't want to marry him or be with him and then have him feel obligated to give me a child but then he resents me for taking care of the child, or he pulls away from the child because he really didn't want it in the first place.

I'm completely confused.

Right now it's not that big of an issue because I'm 22, he's 24 and we're about to get started with our lives by moving out of our parents and getting salary paying jobs within the next year. So having kids isn't #1 on my list. But in 5-8 years, I want to be a mom. I don't want to be 30 without a kid. In my plan for a life, I will have kids by then. And if he doesn't want them, then sadly we must part. But that is such a scary thought. We've been together for over 3 1/2 years. How can I just let something like that go and begin to look for someone else to build that up with?

Why me, Lord? Why, why, why?