Whitney Houston asked this age old question in one of her hit songs and I've been left to sit and wonder exactly what is the answer to that question. Because in my current experience, my broken heart isn't going anywhere. One minute I think I might be semi-OK, and then the next it's falling to pieces and I have no clue how to mend it.
Facebook relationship status changed...check
Phone background of him erased...check
Constantly checking his fb status to see if he's feeling as bad as I do...epic fail
Something that I had been dreading finally came to a head and then erupted. My bf finally opened up to me that he couldn't see a future in our relationship because he wasn't ready to give me the commitment I want and fully deserve i.e. moving in together, getting married, having babies. And because of this he'd been pulling away hoping I'd get tired of it and break things off with him. But me being the good girlfriend that I am decided to give him his space. I didn't want to be pushy and needy. Plus I know he works a lot and the time he spends with his friends is few and cherished. But a part of me wishes I'd checked him way back in September when warning signs really started becoming something I was taking direct notice of. I won't go into all the details but in plainer terms...After 3 years, 7 months, 2 days, and a 3 hour conversation filled with tears and confusion my "in a relationship" status turned to "single" because he just needed to be alone and figure out was best for him at the moment.
Yes, I could have very well fought. I could have argued with him and talked till I was blue in the face and guilt tripped him into staying with me. I'm sure I could have. The emotional side of me, and the part of me that is so deeply in love with him very well could have. But the logical rational side of me said what's the point. Why waste my breath? If he doesn't want to be with me, I can't force it. Besides, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone simply through our facebook statuses but then we don't call, text or spend time with one another. That's not what I want, and I won't tolerate it.
I am so filled with a range of emotions. I'm crying at every other hour; trying to hold back my crying and telling myself to toughen up; wondering if he's ever going to regret his decision and grow up and come back to me; wondering how I'll ever be able to date again; pissed as hell at all the haters who will have satisfaction in seeing our relationship crumble; and fear of telling all those who look up to me and him as the perfect couple and witnessing their idealogy crumble as well.
My stupid ex-best friend said it wouldn't last. My father said he knew something was up. But why do they have to be right? What can't I be right. Why can't I have the man I was so sure I was destined to be with for the rest of my life? Why can't he f___ing commit to me? Why can't I stop crying?
This whole unfolding of events has created such a dramactic and awkward change in my life.
No more bragging on him at work or talking about him period...
Florida trip to Disney...cancelled
My graduation which his mother wants to attend....unsure if that'll happen now
Attending Lee's wedding....can't happen as a couple and will be majorly awkward
Telling people that my perfect relationship has failed....that very well may send me into a depression.
I feel so out of control and I have no direction. I don't know where to turn or what to do. All I can do is keep living.
You call me!
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