I won't be a mother, but I'll be the greatest auntie

A new life has been added to my family recently; well actually not new, just newly discovered. My younger brother recently found out that he was a dad....to a soon to be 16 month on little boy. I wasn't surpised when I found out. Deep in the recesses of my mind I always knew my hardheaded 20 year old brother would beat me to the punch. But that's neither here not there, because as shocking as it was to find out that there's a new little Hill boy running around, my whole family was even more shocked (and very much irate) to find out that the baby really isn't a baby but well on his way to becoming a toddler. The mother had her own personal reasons for keeping the child from my brother, which I won't delve into becuase that situation has been dealt with. Both I and my parents have gone of on that girl for her faulty logic and now we all are taking turns caring for my little nephew.

Anyway, about a month ago when I first got to meet Bentley, we learned that his mother was in the process of buying him this program to help him to start talking. When we found that out, I readily volunteered to help little Ben, after all I am a teacher. If I can't get him on the path to verbal/vocal communication then something might be wrong. The first time I met him all he did was grunt. No words, not even "mama" or "da-da". Since it's summer, I figured, when Bentley's mom was ready, I could keep him 1 day a week and start talking and reading with him and hopefully that'll make him want to talk back.

After the first day I had him I realized a profound thing. Being a mother is something that I want soooo badly. I can't wait to experience the growth of a little one inside of me and then get a chance to raise it. But I realized, as I plopped down on my couch after picking up my living room that little Bentley had wrecked..... I am not ready. There is NO WAY I could consciously and logically have a baby right now. Aside for the financial strain it would put on me, how would I care for it? I mean, I'm single so I'd have to find daycare, and that expense adds up quickly and I'd have no time for my friends. My life would drastically change if I were to become a mother in the near future. I don't think I would cope.

I used to say to my friends, if I accidentally wound up pregnant, I'd be able to take care of it because I'm emotionally ready; I know I'm not financially ready, but I could make do. I realize after babysitting my nephew that  I am neither financially nor emotionally ready. So, as far as my ardent desire to enter into the realm of motherhood.... I can't wait another 5...6...7 years on that. Maybe when I'm 28, if I'm married by then. Maybe.

Caring for a child is hard work and it uses every once of energy you have left. To balance a child, a full-time job, and a moderate social life, I couldn't do it. I'm just now getting the hang of a full-time job down pact.

I'll keep little Bentley anytime I'm needed, and I look forward to our weekly meetings. But I get a special relief when I deliver him back into the arms of his mother. I'm not ready to be a mom, but I can be the greatest aunt this little precious child has ever seen.

This little smile fills me with so much joy and happiness. I love this little tyke as if he were my own. <3  <3  <3

Yesterday I Cried

I took a trip to Salisbury to see my boyfriend and I was quite excited to see him because our last visit was 2 weeks prior, but I was also a little apprehensive. He'd been in a weird kind of mood all week and shared with me that he was feeling a bit depressed and he'd talk to me about it when I got there rather than over the phone. So, needless to say, I was wondering what was up. Was he stressed over his job? Was his family getting to him? Was he nervous about moving out and going to grad school? What?

Nothing could prepare me for what he told me.

"Jasmine, I really don't want kids." As the phrase exited his mouth I knew that my face immediately wrinkled up as I asked him several times to "stop playing" and "Are you serious?". And when he assured me of his seriousness, I assured him of mine. Having children -- that's a deal breaker. He explained that he'd been depressed for about a week, even to the point of tears, because he didn't know how he was going to tell me. He didn't know if it was just being a young adult and having that selfishness mentality of not wanting to take care of someone besides yourself, but in all honesty, he couldn't see himself having children, even when he was 35. Which means we'd be together, I'd be 33 and childless. Deal breaker. I couldn't bring myself to speak, and when his statement sunk in I found myself trying to hold back tears. How could the man I love and have the vision of building a perfect life and family with not want those same things? But what was more profound than his revelation of not wanting to procreate was the fact that what scared him the most was that he knows that if he doesn't change his mind and get hip to the idea of being a daddy in the next couple of years, I will leave him, and he doesn't want that to happen. And you know what my response was to that, "You're exactly right. I will leave you. I don't want to, but I will."

So here were sat at a standstill. Me crying, and him holding my hand wondering what's going on inside my head and me weighing the pros and cons of continuing our relationship. Because I don't want to be with him for 6 more years and his mind still hasn't changed. In six years I want to have my first child in this world. I'd be great if I was in the works of trying to get pregnant with child 2. But at the same time, I don't want to marry him or be with him and then have him feel obligated to give me a child but then he resents me for taking care of the child, or he pulls away from the child because he really didn't want it in the first place.

I'm completely confused.

Right now it's not that big of an issue because I'm 22, he's 24 and we're about to get started with our lives by moving out of our parents and getting salary paying jobs within the next year. So having kids isn't #1 on my list. But in 5-8 years, I want to be a mom. I don't want to be 30 without a kid. In my plan for a life, I will have kids by then. And if he doesn't want them, then sadly we must part. But that is such a scary thought. We've been together for over 3 1/2 years. How can I just let something like that go and begin to look for someone else to build that up with?

Why me, Lord? Why, why, why?