Another End, Another Beginning

Somewhere in the late hours of last night or the wee hours of this morning my friend and her bf hit a roadblock in their relationship and decided to call it quits. After nearly 6 years of being together the breakup has to be devastating to her. She’s a very emotional lady, and sometimes I find it to be a little too much. But I’m a very keep-it-to-myself, don’t-share-too-much-of-my-feelings type of person, so I had to learn how she operates before I could fully appreciate it and truly understand her. I know she’ll probably walk around saying she’s ok, she expected it, it was a long time coming, and she’s glad to be single… yadda, yadda, yadda. But deep down I know she’s hurt and she’ll probably spend a lot of time crying her eyes out. But in spite of all that, I want to offer her some words, and offer some words to every woman who has been dumped, done the dumping, and had to split with a great love of life life.

First off, I want to give you a big hug and say, it’s ok. It is not the end of the world. I certainly thought when my 3+ year relationship with my ex ended it was the end of the world. I didn’t know what to do or how I was going to get through each day, but I did. Some days I was miserable, and I spent a few minutes in the bathroom crying before I had to go teach my students. Other days I was angry and upset wondering how could he do this to me or why hadn’t I been the brave one and ended things myself? Because let’s face it, every person, and I mean EVERY person, knows when their relationship is fizzling out. I knew I should’ve dumped him in September of 2009, it didn’t actually happen until he dumped me in April of 2010! For 7 more months I put on a happy face, ignoring the fact that we were drifting apart. Eventually when I came down off of my emotional roller coaster, I begin to enjoy life again and my thoughts didn’t revolve solely around him and our happy and not so happy years. I didn’t die, the world didn’t implode. Time kept ticking and it was up to me to make something of it. So, I will repeat, when you break up it’s not the end of the world, life goes on.

Secondly, I want to encourage you to use this breakup to do the things that make you happy. If you’ve invested years into your relationship, your mindset has probably shifted from being about you and what makes you happy to being about your partner and what makes them happy. Use this time to focus on you. Give yourself fully to your career, rekindle relationships with friends and family, get closer to God; Lose weight, read a book, write a book, pick up a new hobby, learn a new language, do something! But the point is, don’t sit around moping and rehashing what was and what wasn’t and what could’ve should’ve or would’ve been.

Thirdly, realize that being single is not the end all, be all. I’ve been boyfriend-less for over a year now and honestly I can’t say that I don’t really want to be in a relationship that leads to marriage. Not right now; Maybe in 3-5 years. When I was in college that was all I could dream about; dating my ex for long enough until he decided to propose to me. After we broke up, I was like, ok, the next guy I date is going to be the one. Newsflash to me: he wasn’t either! People look at being single like it’s a terrible thing, like I’m going to be lonely or something. In truth, sometimes it is. I miss having a nice warm body next to me in my bed. But on the flipside, I love getting to stretch my legs out and take up my whole mattress. Being single offers me a certain amount of freedom that I don’t have when I’m the other half of a “couple-equation”.

So my dear friend, I know you’re scared about being alone. I know you’re wondering how you’ll start over and meet the next great love of your life. Don’t worry girl, it will happen. Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now will pop up when you least expect it. And if you’ve got your life together, your radiance will dazzle him and he will stop and nothing to be your Prince. (Metaphor alert) Until then, don’t sit in your castle wishing and praying for the day he will ride up on his stallion and whisk you a way to your happily ever after; life your life and go on a great adventure.

Hugs! xoxoxo

Why Am I Single?

Why am I single? That is the topic of tonight's post. My mom apparently thinks that it's time for me to settle down, I however, think that it is not. I was out at Crave dessert bar in Charlotte, NC, having a girls night for my deuce's birthday and my mom texted me and said "hopefully you'll pick up a date". I was like, WHAT? End of that conversation. And she asks me at least once every couple of weeks: how is your love life? have you met anybody? are you dating anyone? All I want to say to that woman is mom, chill, please.

I am single because honestly, I don't want to date anyone seriously because my standards are too high to be settling on some loser. So until I find a good quality guy, I'm not looking for anything long term or serious. Besides, I'm just 23! I have a long time before I need to be worried about finding a man and bearing children. I'm just now getting good into my adulthood.

I pulled out a box of old notes I have kept from middle and high school. They're a mix from best friends, old friends, boyfriend's and exes from back in the day. Reading this old stuff cracked me up. It made me realize how boy crazy and utterly stupid teenagers are. I can't believe some of the stuff me and my girlfriends talked about, or some of the stuff those guys wrote to me.  But I did find one letter that made me take a step back and look at myself.

The year must have been around 2002/2003; I think I was a freshman or sophomore. I don't know who I was writing to, but I was in high school. I was writing to some guy and I boldly told him that I thought he was cute and had always thought so. To my surprise, when I passed him the note he wrote me back and told me that he always thought I was pretty too. Then homebody dropped his digits in the letter and told me to call him. I look at that note like Dang! I had it like that in high school where guys just gave me their numbers?! Go teenage Jasmine! I realize, that now, in my adulthood I'm taken a backseat a little bit when it comes to pursuing people that I'm interested in. I'm a little more reserved and shy about my feelings. I need to take a cue from my 15 year old self and be bold. Timidness won't produce results.

So my task for myself: next time I see someone I might be interested in that I think might be available, instead of waiting on him to come to me, I just might go for it and approach him. Hahahaha, we shall see.

One Foot In, One Foot Out

A year ago, all I could think about was being in a relationship; dating someone; looking ahead towards a future that included marriage, being a housewife and raising 2-3 children. Now...my viewpoint has changed. I've slowly come to realize that the laid out plan I had for my life isn't exactly what I want anymore. Or at least, not in my immediate plans. I still want to get married. I still want to have children. I still want that perfect family, but I don't want it right now. I'm not even sure that I want a serious boyfriend.
 
This all started a few months ago. I was casually seeing this guy. It was nice at first. He was cute. He made me laugh. He was different from my usual type. It'd been a while since I'd given some serious time to a guy, so I went along with it. Then a few weeks in I had the talk with myself....Do I try to see where this goes and date this guy? Do I just have a casual relationship with all the benefits? Or do I just cut my loses because I truthfully and honestly don't want to be tied down?

The verdict --- I nixed him. Plus, I really didn't have the same emotional connection I had within the first couple weeks of us hanging out. Anyway. He's out of the picture. He was a little upset. I tried to be as nice and honest as possible. But how do you tell someone that, I really am NOT into you. On the flipside though, there's a guy I like. I've always liked him seriously. I know this. He knows this. But there's no way we can be together. I go through phases of wishing we could be together, and then phases of understanding that it's good we're not. But I came to the conclusion over my birthday that I really don't want to be in a relationship right now. My life is too freaking hectic. I might be jobless come June and looking for a new place to live. What's the point in getting involved with someone. Plus--I'm kind of weird in my feelings. When it comes to the next guy I date, I want it to be serious. I'm a serial monogomist and I like a strong commitment. I don't want to be with a guy that I split with after 6 months or 2 years. No. I want to be with someone that could potentially turn to marriage. But how do I cope with the feeling of not wanting to settle down seriously with the conflicting feeling of a desire for companiship?

It's like I'm playing the hokey pokey. I've got one foot in when it comes to emotional investment. I want to date. I want to be with someone. I want that person I can divulge my innermost thoughts too. But at the same time, I've got one foot out when it comes to emotional investment. I don't want to give my everything to someone whose just going to turn around and break my heart.Or be with someone who I come to realize I don't like.

Things are complicated. I'm in limbo in a lot of areas in my life; job, finances, love.... So for right now, being single, that's the best option. I surely never thought I'd be the one saying that.

Race in the Altar

If anyone has been on my facebook page recently, you'll see that I recently posted an excerpt from a conversation I was having at lunch on Wednesday with a 2nd grade student of mine. It went like this:

(Marcus) Ms. Davis are you married to somebody named Mr. Davis?

(Me) No, I'm not married.
(Marcus) What?! When you get married it need to be to somebody black.
(Me) No I don't. They don't have to be black.
(Marcus) WHAT?! You like white?!! Nuh uhh Ms. Davis; black go with black. White go with white. If you was white you'd already be married by now.


Instead of being immediately offended like some people would have been, I had an uncontrollable bout of laughter erupt from my body. It was so severe that my eyes started watering. But as I talked with a friend of mine about it late in the afternoon, she made a comment that Marcus’s last comment had been true. Of the close friends or acquaintances I’d had in college, a vast majority of the white girls are either married or engaged, and a vast majority of the black girls are very much single. That called for some question in my mind. Why is it that we as black women aren’t getting our happily ever after as soon as our Caucasian counterparts?

Also, where along the lines did Marcus develop these racial lines in his 7 year old mind? “Black go with black; white go with white.” That is a pretty powerful statement. If this had’ve been a conversation during segregated times, it would be an accepted norm, but is it still a norm in modern times?

When I pause and watch the relationships of those around me, the majority are same race. There are a few people who like to mix the races but it is still taboo. My question is WHY? When I was a little girl my father told me that I better not ever bring anybody but a black guy home to meet him. So far, all the guys I’ve dated throughout my life have been black. I’ve had countless crushes on guys from other races, but for whatever the reason, I’ve never approached them for a date and they haven’t approached me.

I feel like a hypocrite when I talk about mixed race relationships. I’d like to say that I am a total advocate for it. I’m open-minded and I don’t care who people marry. Race is not an issue for me. We are all human beings. We live, we breathe, we eat, we love, we bleed, and we die. Nothing separates us except the pigmentation of our skin. But yet, deep down, I can’t quite get used to the idea of black men dating non-black women. Three of my four brothers seem to have a preference for white girls and for some reason it bothers me. I always wonder, why can’t they date a black girl? I asked my 20 year old brother that once and he just replied, “I don’t know. I just prefer white girls.” He said it had nothing to do with black women having “attitudes” and being “too demanding” as the stereotype goes, he just liked white girls. I myself am fiercely attracted to Hispanic men and European men; c’mon who wouldn’t want a suave Italian or an Irishman who’s a little rough around the edges? But have I ventured outside my race? No. I have not. I say I want to do it, but I don’t.

When will race in relationships stop becoming an issue in the world? Part of me knows the answer to that question is a strong never, and that saddens me.

Anyways, that was just something on my mind. Think about it.

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Love Stories

Me and my ex broke up in April. It's no big news, seeing as it's almost a year later. Surprisingly we're on cordial terms. I wouldn't call us friends, but I wouldn't call us enemies either. If I text him, he responds, if he texts me I respond. We've even had dinner together in a totally platonic way and it wasn't awkward. That's big! Anyway, one day I just so happened to be on his facebook page reading up on his latest statuses, he's known to post silly crap, and I saw that he had updated his quote section and he had added this:

"Not all relationships are meant to last forever, even when you're in love. Some love stories are short stories... but they are still love stories all the same."

When I read it, I did what any normal girl would do. I asked myself, "Is that about me?" And immediately felt ashamed that I had been so insecure in my thoughts. It could be about me, as far as I'm concerned I'm the big love of his life. But then again, he could very well have dated someone seriously after me. But regardless of that, I shouldn't care. My heart has long since healed. That chapter in my life closed this summer when I got over him.

However, despite the fact that it could be about me or I'm just taking his words too personal, the quote hit my heart in an odd sort of way and made me think about the true depth of the words as it related to our relationship. It was like it was the perfect statement of closure. If he had've said that to me after we'd broken up when I was questioning what went wrong in our relationship and how I could've saved it, I would have been OK. I'm a romantic at heart and that would have helped ease my pain. So I sat there looking at the quote and dissecting it and came to some revelations. Just because we aren't together now didn't mean that he never loved me back then. And just because our relationship ended after 3.5 years, doesn't mean that it was 3.5 years of our lives wasted. At the time, we were in love and we were happy, but somewhere along the way the happiness faded and we realized we wanted different things. So after I sat and pondered the quote for a few moments, I smiled and exited his facebook page.

In the terms of my life span (almost 23 years), our love was a short story, but it was still a story nonetheless. It was a chapter in my life that has in some way shaped me into the person that I am today. Without the love and the heartbreak that he caused me, I couldn't say that I would be where I am today, and for that I thank him for both loving me, and hurting me. It took me a while to be able to appreciate both.

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Non-Negotiables

I spent some good quality time with myself this weekend watching some romantic comedies, Leap Year, Dear John & The Back-Up Plan, and one very touching movie, For Colored Girls, and it has put my mind into a state of contemplation. Every time I go home my mom brings up the subject of just when am I going to start dating. I keep having recurring dreams where I'm in a relationship. A good friend of mine visited with me this weekend and asked if I ever got lonely living by myself. So I got to thinking. It's been oh, about 6 months since the devastating break-up and I'm proud to say that my heart is completely healed (and has been for many months now) so I believe I'm ready to date. In fact there's nothing I want more than to get back out there! Only problem is, I don't exactly know a lot of people here in town, and I don't exactly have a lot of free time during the week to go explore. When and where on Earth am I going to meet guys that will check off on my list of "non-negotiables"?What are those non-negotiables one might ask. Well, it's a list of qualities I pray to God to send me in the next man that I date. They are:

1. Degree or taking steps toward higher education.
2. Lives on his own and has his own set of wheels.
3. Christian
4. Good morals and family values
5. Non smoker
6. Wants a commitement

A list of 6 things, a professional matchmaker might say it's a little outrageous  but I don't think it's too bad. I mean here is my breakdown of why I've listed these as my top 6.

1. I have a degree, and I want to be equally matched intellectually with a partner and these days its hard to get a decent job without a degree. I understand college isn't for everyone, but please, do something to try to better yourself instead of sitting around playing X-Box all day or working part-time as a delivery driver. Have some goals, have some aspirations. I do. And I'm making strides to achieve them.
2. I live on my own and have my own car, so I expect that in a partner. How can we possibly get to know one another if we have to schedule "us time" around roomates, siblings or parents. Also, I'm old-fashioned and I prefer to be driven around on a couple of dates, I don't want to be the one whose always picking up the other person.
3. I am a Christian and I am making steps to get closer in my walk with God and get stronger in my Faith. The Bible teaches that you shouldn't be unequally yoked with a partner, so I need to date a Christian, not a non-believer. Otherwise they could hold me back.
4. I have morals, strong ones, and I place a lot of emphasis on family. You can learn a lot about a person by how they interact with their family. I want these to be positive.
5. OMG I ABSOLUTELY HATE SMOKING! Why partake in an activity that is taking minutes off your life each time you take a drag. Not to mention the horrible smell that gets into and onto everything. I can't be with a smoker. It is a deal breaker. No if, ands or buts.
6. Finally, I want a guy who wants to commit, not just casually date. I'm not that type of dater. I like to be in relationships and give my all to that one special someone. I eventually want to get married and have kids. I need to date someone who is on the same page.


So there is my list of non-negotiables. I don't think it's too drastic. Now I just have to figure out how  to meet a person who fulfills all my criteria. And that my friends is easier said than done.

The Unspoken Rule

I was having dinner last night with two of my sorors and we got onto the subject of the single life and dating. One was telling me some personal information about a recent turn of events in her life and it caused me to ask her this question, "Why is it that we, as females, have to follow that unspoken rule that guys that our friends have dated/talked to/messed around with in the past are unavailable and off limits to anyone in our circle of friends even, though that person is done with them?" Then one of my sorors brought up a valid point. What if that person was meant to enter our lives through you. Just because you two didn't work out, doesn't mean that this guy isn't the right one for me. Because if you think about it, sometimes, we would've never met some of the people we associate with if it hadn't been through a mutual friend. So my soror and I sat and debated this question: "Should I really follow that rule and leave him alone just because you're my friend and you had him first out of "respect"? Or do I go for it, and see where the relationship could potentially go and risk having you be mad at me and ruining our friendship?"

How complicating being a woman is. I want to task ladies with this. Don't fight over guys. DON'T, DON'T, DON'T!! If your friend wants to date your ex, or simply get to know him, and has been totally up front about it and has nothing to hide and is not trying to get back at you in any capacity, then let her. And in the event that their relationship doesn't work out, don't be catty and say "I told you so". Just say, well we all make mistakes. You were my friend first and we will continue being friends because I trust and love you, and move on.

Just food for thought.