Slowly Healing

I have been on a whirlwind of emotions since my break-up. One minute I'm feeling good and the next minute I'm balling my eyes out. But I am proud to say that I have not cried since Saturday and that is a huge improvement. I guess you can tell I really loved the guy because I never cry. So it's a serious matter when I do.

Anyhow, I've been kind of hush hush about the whole situation because it's a long story and I get emotional when I talk about it, but as I've been letting people know, they've been quite supportive. God always has a purpose and a plan for our lives, and though we may not see it, we need to trust that He knows what's best and for our future. We have to walk and live by faith!

However, throughout my turmoil there's been one stand above friend than the rest. My Bruh Dayo, whom I call "Mr. Joy" because his Nigerian name means joy, and he calls me "Flower girl" because,well, it's obvious, my name is a flower..... I opened up to him first because I needed a guys perspective and wanted someone outside my circle (he lives in DC, can't get much further than that) so he really helped tune me in to things. What I didn't expect was for him to text me everyday, checking up on me and asking if I was ok. Then he would call, or pick fights with me, anything to get me smiling and laughing again, and I must say that I truly appreciate him. Who could have predicted that a soror of Delta Sigma Theta and a Bruh of Omega Psi Phi would meet at Camp ABC in the summer of 2009 and hit it off and have a great friendship a year later. I never expected to see or hear from him again, but I'm glad I gave him my number all those months ago. He's helped me start mending the pieces of my heart when I didn't know where to begin, and for that, I thank him.

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As of today, countdown to G-day is 9 days away. Tomorrow is my last day at my internship site. I hope the kids don't make me cry. I'm going to miss them so much.

Where do broken hearts go?

Whitney Houston asked this age old question in one of her hit songs and I've been left to sit and wonder exactly what is the answer to that question. Because in my current experience, my broken heart isn't going anywhere. One minute I think I might be semi-OK, and then the next it's falling to pieces and I have no clue how to mend it.

Facebook relationship status changed...check
Phone background of him erased...check
Constantly checking his fb status to see if he's feeling as bad as I do...epic fail

Something that I had been dreading finally came to a head and then erupted. My bf finally opened up to me that he couldn't see a future in our relationship because he wasn't ready to give me the commitment I want and fully deserve i.e. moving in together, getting married, having babies. And because of this he'd been pulling away hoping I'd get tired of it and break things off with him. But me being the good girlfriend that I am decided to give him his space. I didn't want to be pushy and needy. Plus I know he works a lot and the time he spends with his friends is few and cherished. But a part of me wishes I'd checked him way back in September when warning signs really started becoming something I was taking direct notice of. I won't go into all the details but in plainer terms...After 3 years, 7 months, 2 days, and a 3 hour conversation filled with tears and confusion my "in a relationship" status turned to "single" because he just needed to be alone and figure out was best for him at the moment.

Yes, I could have very well fought. I could have argued with him and talked till I was blue in the face and guilt tripped him into staying with me. I'm sure I could have. The emotional side of me, and the part of me that is so deeply in love with him very well could have. But the logical rational side of me said what's the point. Why waste my breath? If he doesn't want to be with me, I can't force it. Besides, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone simply through our facebook statuses but then we don't call, text or spend time with one another. That's not what I want, and I won't tolerate it.

I am so filled with a range of emotions. I'm crying at every other hour; trying to hold back my crying and telling myself to toughen up; wondering if he's ever going to regret his decision and grow up and come back to me; wondering how I'll ever be able to date again; pissed as hell at all the haters who will have satisfaction in seeing our relationship crumble; and fear of telling all those who look up to me and him as the perfect couple and witnessing their idealogy crumble as well.

My stupid ex-best friend said it wouldn't last. My father said he knew something was up. But why do they have to be right? What can't I be right. Why can't I have the man I was so sure I was destined to be with for the rest of my life? Why can't he f___ing commit to me? Why can't I stop crying?

This whole unfolding of events has created such a dramactic and awkward change in my life.
No more bragging on him at work or talking about him period...
Florida trip to Disney...cancelled
My graduation which his mother wants to attend....unsure if that'll happen now
Attending Lee's wedding....can't happen as a couple and will be majorly awkward
Telling people that my perfect relationship has failed....that very well may send me into a depression.

I feel so out of control and I have no direction. I don't know where to turn or what to do. All I can do is keep living.

Countdown to G-Day

I had a major blow to my ego monday when I was ordering my cap and gown, and graduation annoucements. It hurt me so bad that I had to tell my father (in TX) immediately and rectify some things. Here goes: No matter if I bust a 4.0 gpa this semester, my overall cummulative gpa won't rise over about a 3.71. At least that's how I figured it, but I'm not too sure about how the whole course weight thing words at the university. Anyway, a 3.71 is not a 3.75 and therefore I will not be graduating magna cum laude, but rather plain old cum laude. Major blow to my ego. And I know that graduating cum laude is still graduation with honors, I wanted to have an even higher distinction. But I guess the 2 Cs I earned in my whole college career are preventing me from that. So I texted my dad because I'd been telling him for a year that I was going to graduate magna cum laude with a 3.75 gpa. Too bad, I f-ed up my freshman and sophomore year and ruined it.

But alas, the official graduation countdown began yesterday. And today makes 29 days until graduation. 05.08.2010

Real world, here I come.

Yesterday I Cried

I took a trip to Salisbury to see my boyfriend and I was quite excited to see him because our last visit was 2 weeks prior, but I was also a little apprehensive. He'd been in a weird kind of mood all week and shared with me that he was feeling a bit depressed and he'd talk to me about it when I got there rather than over the phone. So, needless to say, I was wondering what was up. Was he stressed over his job? Was his family getting to him? Was he nervous about moving out and going to grad school? What?

Nothing could prepare me for what he told me.

"Jasmine, I really don't want kids." As the phrase exited his mouth I knew that my face immediately wrinkled up as I asked him several times to "stop playing" and "Are you serious?". And when he assured me of his seriousness, I assured him of mine. Having children -- that's a deal breaker. He explained that he'd been depressed for about a week, even to the point of tears, because he didn't know how he was going to tell me. He didn't know if it was just being a young adult and having that selfishness mentality of not wanting to take care of someone besides yourself, but in all honesty, he couldn't see himself having children, even when he was 35. Which means we'd be together, I'd be 33 and childless. Deal breaker. I couldn't bring myself to speak, and when his statement sunk in I found myself trying to hold back tears. How could the man I love and have the vision of building a perfect life and family with not want those same things? But what was more profound than his revelation of not wanting to procreate was the fact that what scared him the most was that he knows that if he doesn't change his mind and get hip to the idea of being a daddy in the next couple of years, I will leave him, and he doesn't want that to happen. And you know what my response was to that, "You're exactly right. I will leave you. I don't want to, but I will."

So here were sat at a standstill. Me crying, and him holding my hand wondering what's going on inside my head and me weighing the pros and cons of continuing our relationship. Because I don't want to be with him for 6 more years and his mind still hasn't changed. In six years I want to have my first child in this world. I'd be great if I was in the works of trying to get pregnant with child 2. But at the same time, I don't want to marry him or be with him and then have him feel obligated to give me a child but then he resents me for taking care of the child, or he pulls away from the child because he really didn't want it in the first place.

I'm completely confused.

Right now it's not that big of an issue because I'm 22, he's 24 and we're about to get started with our lives by moving out of our parents and getting salary paying jobs within the next year. So having kids isn't #1 on my list. But in 5-8 years, I want to be a mom. I don't want to be 30 without a kid. In my plan for a life, I will have kids by then. And if he doesn't want them, then sadly we must part. But that is such a scary thought. We've been together for over 3 1/2 years. How can I just let something like that go and begin to look for someone else to build that up with?

Why me, Lord? Why, why, why?

Post Birthday Angst

So I celebrated my 22nd birthday a few days ago (9 to be exact) and it was a long day. I started my Friday like any other normal Friday, going to LCES and teaching my fabulous second graders. My year-long internship with them is winding down by the way, and I'll be graduating magna or summa cum laude (whichever one means I have a 3.75). After school I showered and changed and got ready for my darling Anthony to come see me. But he works a full time job, and I teach and work a part time job, so needless to say we both were tired. But we still managed to have a good night. He took me to Carrabas, shopping and to see the Bounty Hunter and we had a good night with lots of laughs. And after being with him since September 18, 2006, it's wonderful that we still have so much to laugh and talk about. A lot of people lose that when the newness of their relationship wears off.

But after my birthday the following days put me into a sour mood and I realized that 1) I'm really about to freaking graduate (1 month and 4 days from today) and 2) I'm getting really old. In simpler terms, I feel like I'm at a fork in the road and I'm ready to take the next step in this crazy thing called life, meaning get a new set of wheels and my own digs. I'm so ready to be FREE!!! .... mentally and emotionally anyway. Financially, I'm still dependent on my parents for boarding. So I'm praying to God that I get a job offer when I go to the career fair on April 23rd so I can start putting those salary rated paychecks in the bank. I know it's tough out there on teachers right now and more are getting laid off, but that's not going to be the case for me. I WILL get a job and I WILL get good pay and I WILL be moved out of my parents house before I turn 23, otherwise I will lose my mind. I can't deal living with my parents and 3 teenage brothers. My idea of "I'm an adult" is not necessarily theirs.

Until next time