If anyone has been on my facebook page recently, you'll see that I recently posted an excerpt from a conversation I was having at lunch on Wednesday with a 2nd grade student of mine. It went like this:
(Marcus) Ms. Davis are you married to somebody named Mr. Davis?
(Marcus) Ms. Davis are you married to somebody named Mr. Davis?
(Me) No, I'm not married.
(Marcus) What?! When you get married it need to be to somebody black.
(Me) No I don't. They don't have to be black.
(Marcus) WHAT?! You like white?!! Nuh uhh Ms. Davis; black go with black. White go with white. If you was white you'd already be married by now.
Instead of being immediately offended like some people would have been, I had an uncontrollable bout of laughter erupt from my body. It was so severe that my eyes started watering. But as I talked with a friend of mine about it late in the afternoon, she made a comment that Marcus’s last comment had been true. Of the close friends or acquaintances I’d had in college, a vast majority of the white girls are either married or engaged, and a vast majority of the black girls are very much single. That called for some question in my mind. Why is it that we as black women aren’t getting our happily ever after as soon as our Caucasian counterparts?
(Marcus) What?! When you get married it need to be to somebody black.
(Me) No I don't. They don't have to be black.
(Marcus) WHAT?! You like white?!! Nuh uhh Ms. Davis; black go with black. White go with white. If you was white you'd already be married by now.
Instead of being immediately offended like some people would have been, I had an uncontrollable bout of laughter erupt from my body. It was so severe that my eyes started watering. But as I talked with a friend of mine about it late in the afternoon, she made a comment that Marcus’s last comment had been true. Of the close friends or acquaintances I’d had in college, a vast majority of the white girls are either married or engaged, and a vast majority of the black girls are very much single. That called for some question in my mind. Why is it that we as black women aren’t getting our happily ever after as soon as our Caucasian counterparts?
Also, where along the lines did Marcus develop these racial lines in his 7 year old mind? “Black go with black; white go with white.” That is a pretty powerful statement. If this had’ve been a conversation during segregated times, it would be an accepted norm, but is it still a norm in modern times?
When I pause and watch the relationships of those around me, the majority are same race. There are a few people who like to mix the races but it is still taboo. My question is WHY? When I was a little girl my father told me that I better not ever bring anybody but a black guy home to meet him. So far, all the guys I’ve dated throughout my life have been black. I’ve had countless crushes on guys from other races, but for whatever the reason, I’ve never approached them for a date and they haven’t approached me.
I feel like a hypocrite when I talk about mixed race relationships. I’d like to say that I am a total advocate for it. I’m open-minded and I don’t care who people marry. Race is not an issue for me. We are all human beings. We live, we breathe, we eat, we love, we bleed, and we die. Nothing separates us except the pigmentation of our skin. But yet, deep down, I can’t quite get used to the idea of black men dating non-black women. Three of my four brothers seem to have a preference for white girls and for some reason it bothers me. I always wonder, why can’t they date a black girl? I asked my 20 year old brother that once and he just replied, “I don’t know. I just prefer white girls.” He said it had nothing to do with black women having “attitudes” and being “too demanding” as the stereotype goes, he just liked white girls. I myself am fiercely attracted to Hispanic men and European men; c’mon who wouldn’t want a suave Italian or an Irishman who’s a little rough around the edges? But have I ventured outside my race? No. I have not. I say I want to do it, but I don’t.
When will race in relationships stop becoming an issue in the world? Part of me knows the answer to that question is a strong never, and that saddens me.
oh jasmine, i love your honesty. my first bf was black and his mom hated me and my parents hated him. and i never understood the problem. i date women now and my parents were more understanding of that than they were of me bringing home a black guy. but my dad will still remind me to not bring home a black girl. (although, that is my preference. and it IS because of the attitude. and the sweet curves.)
ReplyDeletehowever, as i've gotten older and watched the phenomena play out, i've developed some personal theories. one, i think to some black folks it comes as another denial based on race. and it's even more hurtful because it is a denial from within the race. for white folks, who don't have a denial based on race perception, it becomes a lowering of status. because those whites that buy into race being a status indicator, they see it being black as a hardship. it's all kinda silly because love is love.
when we can start seeing each other as people and beautiful because of appearance and because of our history, then we will start being able to look past racial divides. i think it's up to our generation to look past our previous generations' perceptions and create our own to pass down to the future generations. i know that is way easier said than done (mostly because the racial divide is still larger than most want to acknowledge) but if we focus on love, we'll get there.
oh, and to not get flustered when races do date within each other. there is no shame in not mixing. there is no shame in finding comfort within your own race. or wanting a rough around the edges irishman knocking down your door ;)
p.s. and of course that would be the mentality of a young person. neighborhoods are still segregated. i think the only reason i get to be so open and loving to black people is because i grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood. i was the only white kid there. had i been in an all white neighborhood, i wouldn't have any knowledge of what black people are really like. you know? like i was still wary of hispanics because i didn't know anything about them. i had to actively teach myself about other cultures and races as i got older. including white folk. i didn't know anything about whites until my parents moved me to the country. i think that's a completely logical thought process for someone too young to have seen any of the world yet.
ReplyDeleteGood points Linds. We lived in Winston Salem my whole childhood and moved to the boonies of Patterson when I was in third grade. I went from a very well mixed, but predominately black school, to being one of about 5 blacks in my whole school. CULTURE SHOCK! But I think it has helped be get beyond race. I love all people no matter the color of skin. I personally would love to date outside my race, it just hasn't happened yet. And it bugs me that I feel open-minded and accepting but yet there's a little twinge of nonacceptance when I see my brothers do it. I wish I could change it. But it is as you said, its hard to shake a previous generations perceptions when they're so ingrained in us. Fortunately my parents (mom & step dad) are very accepting. It wouldn't matter who I brought home to them as long as they loved and respected me. For my dad (biological) it might take him a little getting used to, but oh well! It's my life. If it makes my heart happy, then that's all that matters! Love transcends color. America will be a much happier place when we can realize that.
ReplyDeleteOMG Jasmine, I was just thinking about posting something about this topic. I think it will take a very long time for this country to be completely open about mixing cultures. Like you said, it is ingrained in us. But I do have hope that it will happen someday. I know for my culture, it would shock my family if they saw me or my brother and cousins dating other races. My aunt always tells us that we are not to bring home an African American guy, a white guy or hispanic guy. She wants us to bring a Kenyan Guy. I am not even attracted to a lot of Kenyan guys. I just hate the perception that they have. My parents would prefer me to date and marry someone from my own culture but if I choose someone else, I think they would be accepting too.
ReplyDeleteI am very open minded when it comes to dating someone but for some reason, I always end up dating someone black. I have had several white guys approach me but it never goes anywhere. I am also attracted to European men and would love the guy I marry to be European haha.
I could go on forever about my views on this topic so I will leave it at that. Might post a blog about this later.