I won't be a mother, but I'll be the greatest auntie

A new life has been added to my family recently; well actually not new, just newly discovered. My younger brother recently found out that he was a dad....to a soon to be 16 month on little boy. I wasn't surpised when I found out. Deep in the recesses of my mind I always knew my hardheaded 20 year old brother would beat me to the punch. But that's neither here not there, because as shocking as it was to find out that there's a new little Hill boy running around, my whole family was even more shocked (and very much irate) to find out that the baby really isn't a baby but well on his way to becoming a toddler. The mother had her own personal reasons for keeping the child from my brother, which I won't delve into becuase that situation has been dealt with. Both I and my parents have gone of on that girl for her faulty logic and now we all are taking turns caring for my little nephew.

Anyway, about a month ago when I first got to meet Bentley, we learned that his mother was in the process of buying him this program to help him to start talking. When we found that out, I readily volunteered to help little Ben, after all I am a teacher. If I can't get him on the path to verbal/vocal communication then something might be wrong. The first time I met him all he did was grunt. No words, not even "mama" or "da-da". Since it's summer, I figured, when Bentley's mom was ready, I could keep him 1 day a week and start talking and reading with him and hopefully that'll make him want to talk back.

After the first day I had him I realized a profound thing. Being a mother is something that I want soooo badly. I can't wait to experience the growth of a little one inside of me and then get a chance to raise it. But I realized, as I plopped down on my couch after picking up my living room that little Bentley had wrecked..... I am not ready. There is NO WAY I could consciously and logically have a baby right now. Aside for the financial strain it would put on me, how would I care for it? I mean, I'm single so I'd have to find daycare, and that expense adds up quickly and I'd have no time for my friends. My life would drastically change if I were to become a mother in the near future. I don't think I would cope.

I used to say to my friends, if I accidentally wound up pregnant, I'd be able to take care of it because I'm emotionally ready; I know I'm not financially ready, but I could make do. I realize after babysitting my nephew that  I am neither financially nor emotionally ready. So, as far as my ardent desire to enter into the realm of motherhood.... I can't wait another 5...6...7 years on that. Maybe when I'm 28, if I'm married by then. Maybe.

Caring for a child is hard work and it uses every once of energy you have left. To balance a child, a full-time job, and a moderate social life, I couldn't do it. I'm just now getting the hang of a full-time job down pact.

I'll keep little Bentley anytime I'm needed, and I look forward to our weekly meetings. But I get a special relief when I deliver him back into the arms of his mother. I'm not ready to be a mom, but I can be the greatest aunt this little precious child has ever seen.

This little smile fills me with so much joy and happiness. I love this little tyke as if he were my own. <3  <3  <3

Why Am I Single?

Why am I single? That is the topic of tonight's post. My mom apparently thinks that it's time for me to settle down, I however, think that it is not. I was out at Crave dessert bar in Charlotte, NC, having a girls night for my deuce's birthday and my mom texted me and said "hopefully you'll pick up a date". I was like, WHAT? End of that conversation. And she asks me at least once every couple of weeks: how is your love life? have you met anybody? are you dating anyone? All I want to say to that woman is mom, chill, please.

I am single because honestly, I don't want to date anyone seriously because my standards are too high to be settling on some loser. So until I find a good quality guy, I'm not looking for anything long term or serious. Besides, I'm just 23! I have a long time before I need to be worried about finding a man and bearing children. I'm just now getting good into my adulthood.

I pulled out a box of old notes I have kept from middle and high school. They're a mix from best friends, old friends, boyfriend's and exes from back in the day. Reading this old stuff cracked me up. It made me realize how boy crazy and utterly stupid teenagers are. I can't believe some of the stuff me and my girlfriends talked about, or some of the stuff those guys wrote to me.  But I did find one letter that made me take a step back and look at myself.

The year must have been around 2002/2003; I think I was a freshman or sophomore. I don't know who I was writing to, but I was in high school. I was writing to some guy and I boldly told him that I thought he was cute and had always thought so. To my surprise, when I passed him the note he wrote me back and told me that he always thought I was pretty too. Then homebody dropped his digits in the letter and told me to call him. I look at that note like Dang! I had it like that in high school where guys just gave me their numbers?! Go teenage Jasmine! I realize, that now, in my adulthood I'm taken a backseat a little bit when it comes to pursuing people that I'm interested in. I'm a little more reserved and shy about my feelings. I need to take a cue from my 15 year old self and be bold. Timidness won't produce results.

So my task for myself: next time I see someone I might be interested in that I think might be available, instead of waiting on him to come to me, I just might go for it and approach him. Hahahaha, we shall see.