A year ago, all I could think about was being in a relationship; dating someone; looking ahead towards a future that included marriage, being a housewife and raising 2-3 children. Now...my viewpoint has changed. I've slowly come to realize that the laid out plan I had for my life isn't exactly what I want anymore. Or at least, not in my immediate plans. I still want to get married. I still want to have children. I still want that perfect family, but I don't want it right now. I'm not even sure that I want a serious boyfriend.
This all started a few months ago. I was casually seeing this guy. It was nice at first. He was cute. He made me laugh. He was different from my usual type. It'd been a while since I'd given some serious time to a guy, so I went along with it. Then a few weeks in I had the talk with myself....Do I try to see where this goes and date this guy? Do I just have a casual relationship with all the benefits? Or do I just cut my loses because I truthfully and honestly don't want to be tied down?
The verdict --- I nixed him. Plus, I really didn't have the same emotional connection I had within the first couple weeks of us hanging out. Anyway. He's out of the picture. He was a little upset. I tried to be as nice and honest as possible. But how do you tell someone that, I really am NOT into you. On the flipside though, there's a guy I like. I've always liked him seriously. I know this. He knows this. But there's no way we can be together. I go through phases of wishing we could be together, and then phases of understanding that it's good we're not. But I came to the conclusion over my birthday that I really don't want to be in a relationship right now. My life is too freaking hectic. I might be jobless come June and looking for a new place to live. What's the point in getting involved with someone. Plus--I'm kind of weird in my feelings. When it comes to the next guy I date, I want it to be serious. I'm a serial monogomist and I like a strong commitment. I don't want to be with a guy that I split with after 6 months or 2 years. No. I want to be with someone that could potentially turn to marriage. But how do I cope with the feeling of not wanting to settle down seriously with the conflicting feeling of a desire for companiship?
It's like I'm playing the hokey pokey. I've got one foot in when it comes to emotional investment. I want to date. I want to be with someone. I want that person I can divulge my innermost thoughts too. But at the same time, I've got one foot out when it comes to emotional investment. I don't want to give my everything to someone whose just going to turn around and break my heart.Or be with someone who I come to realize I don't like.
Things are complicated. I'm in limbo in a lot of areas in my life; job, finances, love.... So for right now, being single, that's the best option. I surely never thought I'd be the one saying that.
