Another End, Another Beginning

Somewhere in the late hours of last night or the wee hours of this morning my friend and her bf hit a roadblock in their relationship and decided to call it quits. After nearly 6 years of being together the breakup has to be devastating to her. She’s a very emotional lady, and sometimes I find it to be a little too much. But I’m a very keep-it-to-myself, don’t-share-too-much-of-my-feelings type of person, so I had to learn how she operates before I could fully appreciate it and truly understand her. I know she’ll probably walk around saying she’s ok, she expected it, it was a long time coming, and she’s glad to be single… yadda, yadda, yadda. But deep down I know she’s hurt and she’ll probably spend a lot of time crying her eyes out. But in spite of all that, I want to offer her some words, and offer some words to every woman who has been dumped, done the dumping, and had to split with a great love of life life.

First off, I want to give you a big hug and say, it’s ok. It is not the end of the world. I certainly thought when my 3+ year relationship with my ex ended it was the end of the world. I didn’t know what to do or how I was going to get through each day, but I did. Some days I was miserable, and I spent a few minutes in the bathroom crying before I had to go teach my students. Other days I was angry and upset wondering how could he do this to me or why hadn’t I been the brave one and ended things myself? Because let’s face it, every person, and I mean EVERY person, knows when their relationship is fizzling out. I knew I should’ve dumped him in September of 2009, it didn’t actually happen until he dumped me in April of 2010! For 7 more months I put on a happy face, ignoring the fact that we were drifting apart. Eventually when I came down off of my emotional roller coaster, I begin to enjoy life again and my thoughts didn’t revolve solely around him and our happy and not so happy years. I didn’t die, the world didn’t implode. Time kept ticking and it was up to me to make something of it. So, I will repeat, when you break up it’s not the end of the world, life goes on.

Secondly, I want to encourage you to use this breakup to do the things that make you happy. If you’ve invested years into your relationship, your mindset has probably shifted from being about you and what makes you happy to being about your partner and what makes them happy. Use this time to focus on you. Give yourself fully to your career, rekindle relationships with friends and family, get closer to God; Lose weight, read a book, write a book, pick up a new hobby, learn a new language, do something! But the point is, don’t sit around moping and rehashing what was and what wasn’t and what could’ve should’ve or would’ve been.

Thirdly, realize that being single is not the end all, be all. I’ve been boyfriend-less for over a year now and honestly I can’t say that I don’t really want to be in a relationship that leads to marriage. Not right now; Maybe in 3-5 years. When I was in college that was all I could dream about; dating my ex for long enough until he decided to propose to me. After we broke up, I was like, ok, the next guy I date is going to be the one. Newsflash to me: he wasn’t either! People look at being single like it’s a terrible thing, like I’m going to be lonely or something. In truth, sometimes it is. I miss having a nice warm body next to me in my bed. But on the flipside, I love getting to stretch my legs out and take up my whole mattress. Being single offers me a certain amount of freedom that I don’t have when I’m the other half of a “couple-equation”.

So my dear friend, I know you’re scared about being alone. I know you’re wondering how you’ll start over and meet the next great love of your life. Don’t worry girl, it will happen. Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now will pop up when you least expect it. And if you’ve got your life together, your radiance will dazzle him and he will stop and nothing to be your Prince. (Metaphor alert) Until then, don’t sit in your castle wishing and praying for the day he will ride up on his stallion and whisk you a way to your happily ever after; life your life and go on a great adventure.

Hugs! xoxoxo

Uncovering Me

I took this random quiz that's supposed to tell me about my personality based on the day I was born. Here are my results:

You are a shapeshifter


You lucked out the the skills to succeed in almost any arena.
Put you in almost any business or classroom, and you'll rise to the top.
You're driven and intense, but you also know when to kick back and cooperate.
Your ability to adapt to almost any situation is part of what's going to make you a success.

Your strength: Your attention to detail

Your weakness: You can be a little too proud of your successes

Your power color: Turquoise

Your power symbol: Arrow pointing up

Your power month: August


I just want to know how people come up with these things. I agree with what it said about my strength and being able to succeed in most areas of my life. that is a proven fact. But my weakness... I wouldn't classify myself as a proud person. 


But this: You're driven and intense, but you also know when to kick back and cooperate.Very true indeed. Hmm, oh well. 


quiz linkhttp://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/

I won't be a mother, but I'll be the greatest auntie

A new life has been added to my family recently; well actually not new, just newly discovered. My younger brother recently found out that he was a dad....to a soon to be 16 month on little boy. I wasn't surpised when I found out. Deep in the recesses of my mind I always knew my hardheaded 20 year old brother would beat me to the punch. But that's neither here not there, because as shocking as it was to find out that there's a new little Hill boy running around, my whole family was even more shocked (and very much irate) to find out that the baby really isn't a baby but well on his way to becoming a toddler. The mother had her own personal reasons for keeping the child from my brother, which I won't delve into becuase that situation has been dealt with. Both I and my parents have gone of on that girl for her faulty logic and now we all are taking turns caring for my little nephew.

Anyway, about a month ago when I first got to meet Bentley, we learned that his mother was in the process of buying him this program to help him to start talking. When we found that out, I readily volunteered to help little Ben, after all I am a teacher. If I can't get him on the path to verbal/vocal communication then something might be wrong. The first time I met him all he did was grunt. No words, not even "mama" or "da-da". Since it's summer, I figured, when Bentley's mom was ready, I could keep him 1 day a week and start talking and reading with him and hopefully that'll make him want to talk back.

After the first day I had him I realized a profound thing. Being a mother is something that I want soooo badly. I can't wait to experience the growth of a little one inside of me and then get a chance to raise it. But I realized, as I plopped down on my couch after picking up my living room that little Bentley had wrecked..... I am not ready. There is NO WAY I could consciously and logically have a baby right now. Aside for the financial strain it would put on me, how would I care for it? I mean, I'm single so I'd have to find daycare, and that expense adds up quickly and I'd have no time for my friends. My life would drastically change if I were to become a mother in the near future. I don't think I would cope.

I used to say to my friends, if I accidentally wound up pregnant, I'd be able to take care of it because I'm emotionally ready; I know I'm not financially ready, but I could make do. I realize after babysitting my nephew that  I am neither financially nor emotionally ready. So, as far as my ardent desire to enter into the realm of motherhood.... I can't wait another 5...6...7 years on that. Maybe when I'm 28, if I'm married by then. Maybe.

Caring for a child is hard work and it uses every once of energy you have left. To balance a child, a full-time job, and a moderate social life, I couldn't do it. I'm just now getting the hang of a full-time job down pact.

I'll keep little Bentley anytime I'm needed, and I look forward to our weekly meetings. But I get a special relief when I deliver him back into the arms of his mother. I'm not ready to be a mom, but I can be the greatest aunt this little precious child has ever seen.

This little smile fills me with so much joy and happiness. I love this little tyke as if he were my own. <3  <3  <3

Why Am I Single?

Why am I single? That is the topic of tonight's post. My mom apparently thinks that it's time for me to settle down, I however, think that it is not. I was out at Crave dessert bar in Charlotte, NC, having a girls night for my deuce's birthday and my mom texted me and said "hopefully you'll pick up a date". I was like, WHAT? End of that conversation. And she asks me at least once every couple of weeks: how is your love life? have you met anybody? are you dating anyone? All I want to say to that woman is mom, chill, please.

I am single because honestly, I don't want to date anyone seriously because my standards are too high to be settling on some loser. So until I find a good quality guy, I'm not looking for anything long term or serious. Besides, I'm just 23! I have a long time before I need to be worried about finding a man and bearing children. I'm just now getting good into my adulthood.

I pulled out a box of old notes I have kept from middle and high school. They're a mix from best friends, old friends, boyfriend's and exes from back in the day. Reading this old stuff cracked me up. It made me realize how boy crazy and utterly stupid teenagers are. I can't believe some of the stuff me and my girlfriends talked about, or some of the stuff those guys wrote to me.  But I did find one letter that made me take a step back and look at myself.

The year must have been around 2002/2003; I think I was a freshman or sophomore. I don't know who I was writing to, but I was in high school. I was writing to some guy and I boldly told him that I thought he was cute and had always thought so. To my surprise, when I passed him the note he wrote me back and told me that he always thought I was pretty too. Then homebody dropped his digits in the letter and told me to call him. I look at that note like Dang! I had it like that in high school where guys just gave me their numbers?! Go teenage Jasmine! I realize, that now, in my adulthood I'm taken a backseat a little bit when it comes to pursuing people that I'm interested in. I'm a little more reserved and shy about my feelings. I need to take a cue from my 15 year old self and be bold. Timidness won't produce results.

So my task for myself: next time I see someone I might be interested in that I think might be available, instead of waiting on him to come to me, I just might go for it and approach him. Hahahaha, we shall see.

A Play on Words/Fast Five Movie Review

I just had an epiphany. Why do people say, "Yo man, that was good as hell." I caught myself saying that this morning as I thought back about the movie I saw last night, then I thought, wait a minute, what's so good about Hell? Eternal damnation. A pool of fire. Unyielding suffering and torture. No, Hell isn't good at all. It is the direct opposite of good. So why do people use that expression so commonly? I know I do. It's one of those cliché things. But now that I've thought about it, I'm going to try to switch up my vernacular. If I feel the need to express my extreme adoration for something I'm going to try to say, "Yo man, that was good as heaven" or simply say "That was so good!".

SN: I went to see Fast  Five last night. Hands down BEST movie I've seen since Inception. If I had the excess cash, I'd go see it again. I'm definitely going to buy it when it comes to DVD. The plot line was great, it was well written. Tyrese and his witty comments made for some great laughs. If you've never seen any of the Fast and Furious movies, this one is a must see! There was so much action, manly brawls and racing scenes. At one point, the entire movie theater was holding their breaths because of an action scene. It was magnificent. Families could take their young children to see it because there wasn't that many curse words or sexually explicit scenes or suggestions. Men will love it for the action and the cars and hot latinas. Women will love it for the action and the cars and all that sexiness. There was so much sexiness filling up that screen it's hard to pick who I like best. Between blue eyed Paul Walker, muscular Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, bad ass Vin Diesel, smooth Sung Kang (guy who plays Han), and fast talking Tyrese...I just sat in my seat ogling at their manly splendor in awe. Sometimes with my mouth agape...sometimes letting out an "mmmmm" in approval. hahaha....

Go see Fast Five! It was well worth it. And if you need a movie buddy, I'll be glad to go with you. P.S. Stay after the credits. There's an extra scene that will blow your mind. I don't want to give too much away, but it will definitely throw you for a loop and make you wonder, is there gonna be a 6th movie?

Mmmm, so much sexiness. Go see this movie. It was good as heaven!  =D

A Poem: .Touch.

Also written the summer of '05. I was very angry when I was 17 and very lovesick. A lot of the things I wrote echoed that sentiment. Oh well, this is the last post and then I'm hitting up my leftover spaghetti casserole.

. Touch .
06.14.05

Simple, complex

full of passion and love

full of uncertainty

It means nothing 

to you

to me

it is everything

your kiss, your touch, your love

It gives me pain and sorry

a broken heart

it shatters my will to live

it picks me up when I am down

it makes me feel secure

A touch of love

          fire

A touch of hate

          intense

from you

given to me

I freely accept it

I lustfully long for it

I secretly despise it

© Jasmine S. Davis 2011

A Poem: #12

And because I'm in the an incredibly good mood, I've decided to post another poem. I also got of my lazy behind and grabbed my poem book. I wrote this poem the summer of 2005. Let's see, I was 17? I think. 2011-2005, take 6 years off 23....yeah I was 17. Seems like forever ago. Anyway, whenever I couldn't think of a title for a poem I just gave it a random number. So here it is:

# 12

06.15.05

Two holes

blank

tinted with color

black, blue, green, gray, brown

Windows, foggy

portals into the mind

paths into the body

passageways into the soul

Mirrors

Reflectors of images; emotions

fear, anxiety, happiness, joy,

frustration, anger

shift---Now searching

downcast---Now hiding

blank---Now expressionless

direct---Bold.

© Jasmine S. Davis 2011

A Poem: Words.

I said to myself about 3 weeks ago, when I stumbled upon a book of poetry I had packed up when I moved that I was going to publish them here on the blog and that was going to be my April thing. Well, that didn't happen. I got lazy and sat in front of my TV instead of at my computer. But I'm here now, fueled by the flames of my latest creative wind. I've been writing non-stop for the last four days on my latest novel endeavor. A sequel to the book I started around Christmas. I feel so good about it. I feel so good about writing. I've encouraged myself that this is what I truly want to be doing. Sharing my imagination with the rest of the world. But for me, the easy part is having an awesome idea, and starting the book or the short story or the whatever. The hard part is actually finishing it. I read some article that said that was a common norm amongst Aries. I refuse to let myself fall into that category.

So, when I came home from work today, I had every intention of going to my book. I'd been thinking of new plot twists all day at work. But what did I do when I came home? I pulled out my laptop, I got my jump drive, and when I prepared to write, I didn't go to my book. I got bit by a different strain of the creativity bug and I did something I rarely do because it's so hard for me. I sat down a wrote a poem. In about 10 minutes mind you. I've never been more proud of myself. To start and finish something from my creative/artistic/literal side, that's a major accomplishment. And now I'm going to share. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you....

Words.

Some people will never amount to much,

Constantly sputtering excuses they use as their crutch

Tales and woes, wishes of things to be better

Viewing life as a negative, always and ever

But that’s not me,

Oh no, no sir, no ma’am

I refuse to life my life failing to achieve my master plan

I envision a future, bright and free

Where I can do my own thing and not worry about the green

A life full of peace, happiness and love,

A grand horizon I seek to reach up above

So many things I want to be

All facets and aspects and pieces of me

                A teacher, a healer, a  friend, a writer

                A mother, an Activist, a peacemaker, a fighter

                                                                      Amongst countless other dreams…

You see,

A life of complacency would be like darkness

Perpetual, never-ending and bleak.

Just thinking about that makes me want to shriek.

I could never allow myself to be so content

Passing the time pondering what to lament

Words are a gift, an expression of character,

Not disjointed things to fill a page

No,

                You are the messenger.

Use them.           Create.

Speak words of praise, criticism, dreams and vitality

Ingrain them within your soul,

Feed your spirit.

                Dare to accomplish it.

Then when you happen upon those who won’t amount to much,

And they begin to lament and feel the need to explain their crutch,

Smile,

For you will never be as such.

© Jasmine S. Davis 2011

One Foot In, One Foot Out

A year ago, all I could think about was being in a relationship; dating someone; looking ahead towards a future that included marriage, being a housewife and raising 2-3 children. Now...my viewpoint has changed. I've slowly come to realize that the laid out plan I had for my life isn't exactly what I want anymore. Or at least, not in my immediate plans. I still want to get married. I still want to have children. I still want that perfect family, but I don't want it right now. I'm not even sure that I want a serious boyfriend.
 
This all started a few months ago. I was casually seeing this guy. It was nice at first. He was cute. He made me laugh. He was different from my usual type. It'd been a while since I'd given some serious time to a guy, so I went along with it. Then a few weeks in I had the talk with myself....Do I try to see where this goes and date this guy? Do I just have a casual relationship with all the benefits? Or do I just cut my loses because I truthfully and honestly don't want to be tied down?

The verdict --- I nixed him. Plus, I really didn't have the same emotional connection I had within the first couple weeks of us hanging out. Anyway. He's out of the picture. He was a little upset. I tried to be as nice and honest as possible. But how do you tell someone that, I really am NOT into you. On the flipside though, there's a guy I like. I've always liked him seriously. I know this. He knows this. But there's no way we can be together. I go through phases of wishing we could be together, and then phases of understanding that it's good we're not. But I came to the conclusion over my birthday that I really don't want to be in a relationship right now. My life is too freaking hectic. I might be jobless come June and looking for a new place to live. What's the point in getting involved with someone. Plus--I'm kind of weird in my feelings. When it comes to the next guy I date, I want it to be serious. I'm a serial monogomist and I like a strong commitment. I don't want to be with a guy that I split with after 6 months or 2 years. No. I want to be with someone that could potentially turn to marriage. But how do I cope with the feeling of not wanting to settle down seriously with the conflicting feeling of a desire for companiship?

It's like I'm playing the hokey pokey. I've got one foot in when it comes to emotional investment. I want to date. I want to be with someone. I want that person I can divulge my innermost thoughts too. But at the same time, I've got one foot out when it comes to emotional investment. I don't want to give my everything to someone whose just going to turn around and break my heart.Or be with someone who I come to realize I don't like.

Things are complicated. I'm in limbo in a lot of areas in my life; job, finances, love.... So for right now, being single, that's the best option. I surely never thought I'd be the one saying that.

I AM Poem

My kids wrote I AM poems this week and I was taken aback at how some of these rowdy 7 and 8 year olds could achieve so much depth. A few talked about their futures and had some creative imaginations. This inspired me to go through all my junk I'd saved from college and find the I AM Poem I had to write as a requirement in one of my college Language Arts classes. I felt compelled to post it here. I'm going to to read it to them on Monday so they can see that I also enjoy writing and the many assignments I give them in class have more merit than just busywork. Please enjoy.

I AM

by Jasmine Davis

written 9.29.09 

I am creative and strong-willed

I wonder when I’ll get married

I hear the laughter of my deceased Grandmother

I see her smiling face in my mind’s eye

I want to be a famous author

I am creative and strong-willed

I pretend I am a reality TV show celebrity

I feel like I have magical powers

I touch bleak clouds as I drive through Black Mountain

I worry that I won’t fulfill my hearts desires

I cry when people forget to love

I am creative and strong-willed

I understand it takes hard work to achieve your goals

I say that I will be on Oprah and the NY Times Bestselling list

I dream that one day all my wishes will come true

I try to be a little nicer here and there

I hope that people follow their dreams

I am creative and strong-willed